THE TOOLKIT
Good Listening Habits

Nod Your Head
Nodding is encouraging. If you are wondering if we mean nodding like the proverbial dog in the back window of a car, we’re not. Nodding encourages others to nod, and subconsciously they’ll agree with you more often. Keep your eyes open for people who are listening to you, and see if you can observe this.

Give a Response
Make the small sounds that show attentiveness such as, “ah,” “oh,” “right.” This technique has the greatest amount of impact of the active listening skills.

Open Your Mouth
You might even consider keeping your lips slightly open as some of our focus group studies reveal that a closed mouth is a sign of a closed mind. When someone says about another, “She was pretty open to the idea,” there is probably a physical aspect to that statement.

Practice Turn-Taking
Turn-taking is the act of letting the other speaker finish before responding with your thoughts. When there’s a demonstrable pause between his/her words and your response, he/she feels as if his/her words have been absorbed. If you interrupt before he/she’s through, or if you speak at the split second he/she stops speaking, he’ll/she’ll feel as if you haven’t given his/her thoughts a proper “hearing.”

Give Facial Expressions
Maintain some facial expression. An expressionless face comes across as closed to the speaker’s idea.

Get Rid of Distractions
Do everything you can to eliminate extraneous noise. Noise can be psychological, such as your mind being on other concerns, or physical, such as a loud restaurant. When you choose to really listen, your activity, mental and physical, should be focused on the listening itself.

Talk Less
“We have been given two ears and but a single mouth, in order that we may hear more and talk less.” – Confucius

If you really want to understand the speaker, avoid the tendency to hog the stage and shift the conversation to your own ideas. Furthermore, don’t jump in right after the speaker finishes an idea or point. Often times, a simple head nod or minimal response will encourage the speaker to elaborate his/her ideas, giving you a better idea of what he/she really means. Remember, however, talking less does not mean being completely silent.

Look for Key Ideas
It is easy to lose patience with speakers who don’t get to the point or have no apparent point at all! People always, however, have a point, or a central idea or theme, somewhere. Your job as a good listener is not only to listen, but to actively search for key, organizing ideas in the others’ talks. Importantly, you may need to politely ask the speaker to formulate his/her ideas again or more clearly.

Don’t Judge Prematurely
It’s crucial to understand others’ ideas completely before judging them. This sounds like common sense, but in fact we are all guilty of coming to snap decisions. We get excited about an idea, we think we already know the background of an idea, etc., and we judge the idea prematurely. This tendency to judge prematurely is especially prevalent when a speaker’s ideas conflict with our own, or when the other is actively criticizing us. If you are truly there to listen, the conversation should be an exchange of ideas, not a competition or a battle. Listen first… make sure you understand completely… then evaluate.

Advising
When people approach us with problems, we tend to offer them advice. Advising, however, is not always the most helpful solution. In fact, advice can often be harmful. First, we tend to give advice that we would follow ourselves, but this advice may not be right for the speaker. Second, when we give advice, it allows others to avoid responsibility for their actions. Third, even when it appears as though speakers are looking for advice (by detailing troubles), they often don’t want advice. They just want someone to hear out their troubles and give them sympathy. Finally, giving advice may only add to a speaker’s frustration because they may not be able to take advantage of the advice. Before offering advice, be sure that (1) your advice is sensible for the speaker, (2) your advice is usable by the speaker, (3) your advice is correct (we often act as an authority when we are not), and (4) be sure that you will not be blamed if your advice does not work out (emphasize that you are giving advice, and that the ultimate responsibility for the advice is the speaker’s).

Ask Questions
“He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes. He who does not ask is a fool for life.” – Confucius

Listening is an active process. If we don’t understand something, we need to ask questions. This sounds obvious, but honestly, how many of us take full advantage of asking questions? We generally sit back in silence hoping that the speaker will finally say something that makes sense. Many of us are afraid to ask questions because it may reflect poorly on our intelligence.

When you ask questions, make sure that they are genuine questions. Questions present a convenient format for advice-giving and criticism. These sorts of behaviors are justified, but only in their own right, not disguised as questions.

How we format questions is also important. We could say, for instance, “You’re not making any sense … what do you mean?” or “I’m not understanding a thing you’re saying … what’s you’re point?” All of these responses, while admittedly cold, direct the responsibility of our misunderstanding onto the speaker – that is, they imply that it is the speaker’s fault, or inability to articulate themselves. A better format for questions keeps the responsibility for our misunderstanding on our own shoulders. For example, we could say, “I’m sorry, for some reason I’m not understanding this point. Can you say it again?” Admitting your own confusion will prevent defensiveness.

Avoid Negative Altercasts
Avoid negative altercasts like:

• “Here’s what’s wrong with that.”
• “What bothers me about that is.”

Avoid Knee-Jerk Reactions
Avoid perceived knee-jerk reactions like:

• “It’ll never work and here’s why.”
• “Well, that goes without saying.”
• “Well, yes I knew that.”

Paraphrase
Sometimes asking questions is not enough to clarify an issue. Thus, we need to learn how to paraphrase a speaker’s ideas into our own ideas. Paraphrasing is rewording the speaker’s ideas, not parroting or merely repeating verbatim his/her ideas back. Use formats like:

• “So, if I understand you correctly …”
• “Correct me if I’m wrong, but what I hear you saying is …”
• “Ultimately, then, your point is …”

Obviously, paraphrasing can be misused (which generally translates into being overused). Paraphrasing should come at logical junctures where the speaker has completed a line of thought. When listeners fall into stylized patterns, they are often perceived as not genuine or insensitive.

Judging
A judging response evaluates the speaker’s thoughts or behaviors. Any judgment, however, implies that the judge is qualified to make such a judgment. Judgments, then, are almost always taken personally, and this is why many negative judgments are considered criticisms. Judgments like, “I told you so,” “You asked for it,” and “You’re just feeling sorry for yourself,” simply make matters worse. Even constructive criticism, though, arouses defensiveness in others. Judgments are most likely to be favorably received when (1) the person has requested the judgment, and (2) your judgment is genuinely constructive and not a put down.